While making one of my many out-of-town trips, I found myself listening to the new CD by Marsha Ambrosius. Due to the amount of time in the car and my failure to bring along any other CDs for the trip through the backwoods where there are no radio signals, I ended up listening more intently to the lyrics than I would usually. In listening to the song “I hope she cheats on you with a basketball player”, I noticed a theme that I have seen in my sister-friends (and admittedly, in the past, myself). It was the tendency to not be able to move beyond a broken relationship. Instead, we choose to wallow in the misery and pray that he is feeling the same sadness. During this “I hope she cheats on you” phase, we focus on the great times and push away the memories that likely caused the relationship to implode. At these times, we curse his name and blame other women, his friends, etc. for the break-up. We also hope that he never finds happiness because we want to remain the best thing that ever happened to him. Yet, by staying In the Moment, we do ourselves a disservice. We cling to a relationship that no longer exists (if it did in the first place). Instead of looking at the relationship as a Life Lesson that can bring us one step closer to being prepared for our true Soulmate, we beat him and ourselves up with what went wrong and how we can get the relationship back.
As we all know, karma can be a….you fill in the blanks. So, by spending our time keeping track of him and rejoicing at any of his failures, we take energy away from making our own successes. The next time a break-up happens, instead of hoping his next girl cheats on him with a basketball player, we must realize that focusing on wanting bad for him is actually cheating ourselves.
Steps to Moving Beyond the Bitterness
1. Find something else to do-Note I said “something---not someone”. Jumping from one relationship to the next does not help anyone. When doing so, you are setting yourself up for another failed relationship. Instead of sitting around wondering what he is doing, make plans for yourself. The best way begin to move on is to actually do it.
2. Learn from the Experience-every relationship/encounter can teach us a lesson. However, he will not be following you in to your next relationship, so it is a waste of time to focus on his shortcomings. Instead, take an honest assessment of you. If you could go back (and you are not), what would you do differently? By honestly looking at yourself, you can bring the “gift” of the Improved You in to your next relationship instead of “baggage”
3. Don’t be a Cyberstalker-De-friend him on Facebook. Stop following him on Twitter. No one says that either of these has to be forever. Sometimes, one can grow and become friends with an Ex, but when the “ex” is still fresh and you are thinking about cursing him out, slashing his tires, or wanting desperately for him to take you back----you cannot honestly say you are ready for the Friend Zone. When we leave a job, we do not constantly go back to our former place of employment for lunch or to sit at our old desk. We must move on. By constantly updating yourself on his life, you are trying to be a part of it.
4. Find Supports-This is a hard one. Every friend cannot be a good friend in this situation. If your girl is one who encourages you to leave mean messages on his telephone, beat up the new female, or otherwise engage in behavior that makes you look crazy, she might not be the one to assist in this situation. Instead, lean on that friend who will let you vent and cry about the relationship, but will also encourage you to look towards the future
5. Remain Open to the Possibility-After a difficult break-up, it is easy to close ourselves off and be resistant to a new relationship. True, one should take time to heal from the previous injury before exposing herself to something new. However, most of us are not still with our high school sweetheart, First Love, etc.---which means that we understand that some relationships are only a preview of the Main Attraction. Even if you believed that he was “it”, he might be “it” for someone else, but he was not your End-All-Be-All. Again, learn from the experience, remember the good times in the relationship, while being ready (and smart) about the next one.
Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/consultant/motivational speaker. She is also the author of Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing. Girls Got Issues is available on her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com and www.amazon.com. Follow Dr. Dent on twitter: drtyffanimdent
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