I Hope She Cheats on You: Moving Beyond the Bitterness

While making one of my many out-of-town trips, I found myself listening to the new CD by Marsha Ambrosius. Due to the amount of time in the car and my failure to bring along any other CDs for the trip through the backwoods where there are no radio signals, I ended up listening more intently to the lyrics than I would usually. In listening to the song “I hope she cheats on you with a basketball player”, I noticed a theme that I have seen in my sister-friends (and admittedly, in the past, myself). It was the tendency to not be able to move beyond a broken relationship. Instead, we choose to wallow in the misery and  pray that he is feeling the same sadness. During this “I hope she cheats on you” phase, we focus on the great times and push away the memories that likely caused the relationship to implode. At these times, we curse his name and blame other women, his friends, etc. for the break-up. We also hope that he never finds happiness because we want to remain the best thing that ever happened to him. Yet, by staying In the Moment, we do ourselves a disservice. We cling to a relationship that no longer exists (if it did in the first place). Instead of looking at the relationship as a Life Lesson that can bring us one step closer to being prepared for our true Soulmate, we beat him and ourselves up with what went wrong and how we can get the relationship back.

As we all know, karma can be a….you fill in the blanks. So, by spending our time keeping track of him and rejoicing at any of his failures, we take energy away from making our own successes. The next time a break-up happens, instead of hoping his next girl cheats on him with a basketball player, we must realize that focusing on wanting bad for him is actually cheating ourselves.

Steps to Moving Beyond the Bitterness

1.       Find something else to do-Note I said “something---not someone”. Jumping from one relationship to the next does not help anyone. When doing so, you are setting yourself up for another failed relationship. Instead of sitting around wondering what he is doing, make plans for yourself. The best way begin to move on is to actually do it.

2.       Learn from the Experience-every relationship/encounter can teach us a lesson. However, he will not be following you in to your next relationship, so it is a waste of time to focus on his shortcomings. Instead, take an honest assessment of you. If you could go back (and you are not), what would you do differently? By honestly looking at yourself, you can bring the “gift” of the Improved You in to your next relationship instead of “baggage”

3.       Don’t be a Cyberstalker-De-friend him on Facebook. Stop following him on Twitter. No one says that either of these has to be forever. Sometimes, one can grow and become friends with an Ex, but when the “ex” is still fresh and you are thinking about cursing him out, slashing his tires, or wanting desperately for him to take you back----you cannot honestly say you are ready for the Friend Zone.  When we leave a job, we do not constantly go back to our former place of employment for lunch or to sit at our old desk. We must move on. By constantly updating yourself on his life, you are trying to be  a part of it.

4.       Find Supports-This is a hard one. Every friend cannot be a good friend in this situation. If your girl is one who encourages you to leave mean messages on his telephone, beat up the new female, or otherwise engage in behavior that makes you look crazy, she might not be the one to assist in this situation. Instead, lean on that friend who will let you vent and cry about the relationship, but will also encourage you to look towards the future

5.       Remain Open to the Possibility-After a difficult break-up, it is easy to close ourselves off and be resistant to a new relationship. True, one should take time to heal from the previous injury before exposing herself to something new. However, most of us are not still with our high school sweetheart, First Love, etc.---which means that we understand that some relationships are only a preview of the Main Attraction. Even if you believed that he was “it”, he might be “it” for someone else, but he was not your End-All-Be-All. Again, learn from the experience, remember the good times in the relationship, while being ready (and smart) about the next one.

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/consultant/motivational speaker. She is also the author of Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing. Girls Got Issues is available on her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com and www.amazon.com. Follow Dr. Dent on twitter: drtyffanimdent

Mothers: Surprise, you are NOT the father

The Maury Povich Show was my guilty pleasure. In the past, I would have never admitted to anyone that I would scroll through the on-line TV guide to determine when the next “Is he the father?” episode would come on. Watching as some of the women would insist that  a man was the father, or as fathers insisted they could not be because “she was sleeping with everyone” would make me cringe, but also lean in closer when Maury ripped open the envelop.  Today, I am going to take on the Maury Povich role and declare to all of the women out there: You are not the father.

At this time in society when more of our children are being reared in single-parent homes for a variety of reasons, it is disheartening to see women declaring on Fathers’ Day “to all the single moms who are both mothers and fathers to their children.” True, single mothers carry an extra heavy burden that I do not envy. They are often the sole emotional and financial providers for their children. To this I say, you are being exceptional mothers; yet, you cannot be a father. The role of a father or father-figure is to provide an example of what true manhood should be.  It is to permit young girls to see how men are supposed to treat women and what real men do. For young boys, it is, as Jill Scot says “to teach him how to be a man.” Women, no matter how much we try or how great we may be, we cannot take the place of a male figure in the lives of our children. We go around and state “I don’t need a man”, and maybe we do not, but children do. If you are not willing to provide him or her one, they will go out searching, and the outcome is not likely to be a positive one. For our young girls, they will often seek male figures who pay them any attention, and because they do not have a good frame-of-reference for how men treat women, they are likely to accept whatever comes our way. For our young boys, if we do not hand them a male to emulate, they will search one out, often finding them in gang associations or grasping on to glorified images of machismo that are unrealistic and unhealthy.

This article is not to argue about single parenthood, same-sex relationships, etc., but instead to assert the importance of any parent insuring that their child has consistent access to role models of both sexes. It is ironic that, men who are in the position of primary parent will quickly seek out their sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, or girlfriends to assist them in parenting duties. Is it our quest to be “Superwoman” , the multiple generations of single women whispering in our ear that we can do it alone, the “good man shortage”, or some other reason that has us declaring that male figures in our children’s lives are not needed? It might be some other reason not even named. Regardless, we must move beyond this and face the reality of the situation: Children need male and female adults to model appropriate behavior. If the child’s biological father does not want to be or cannot be involved, seek out that brother, father, male cousin, etc of yours who can be there for them. There are also structured organizations such as Big Brothers/Big Sisters who are geared towards providing this positive frame-of-reference. Involve your child in organized activities at your Place of Worship, their school, or in the community where they have ongoing access to positive male figures.  Just as we often get creative to make sure our children’s other needs are met, we must recognize that a male figure is also a need and demonstrate creativity in finding him as well.

That being said when your true day comes, this will be the message from me:

“To all the single mothers out there who are going that extra mile to parent alone, I say, Happy Mothers’ Day”.

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/motivational speaker/author. She lectures and trains on issues of mental health disparity in minority communities, children’s and women’s issues, and sexual abuse intervention and prevention. Dr. Dent is also the President of Monford Dent Consulting & Psychological Services, LLC and the author of the book Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing available on Amazon.com and her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com. Follow her on twitter: drtyffanimdent

Moving Beyond The “Sperm Donor” Mentality

In a MSNBC news story, it was reported that approximately 40% of all births in the United States in 2007 were to unwed mothers (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29754561/ns/health-womens_health/). Thinking beyond the reasons for choosing to have children out of wedlock, I instead decided to address the issue of how such a choice needs to move beyond the “Sperm Donor” mentality. By this, I am referring to many arguments/discussions I have had with other women about the men who have fathered their children. In these discussions, I have often heard the men referred to as “the Sperm Donor” ----said with a mixture of disgust and bitterness. Why one chooses to engage in sexual contact with a man who would deserve such a title is beyond me, especially if he has a pattern of being a “sperm donor” to other women. I firmly believe in learning from the mistakes of others vs. making my own. Yet, I digress. The decision to have a child within or outside of wedlock is a deeply personal one that I leave up to the adults making that choice. However, when it comes to endorsing the Sperm Donor Mentality, I must stand up and argue for the children who suffer because of it.  True, we cannot force anyone to be a good parent. However, we must also ensure that we are not doing anything to preclude them the opportunity to make the attempt. So, in attempting to move beyond Sperm Donor, I offer suggestions (post-birth) to my sisters.

1.     Your child is not a bargaining chip-Your child should not be an instrument used to try and “keep” the man or force him to not move on to a healthy dating relationship with someone else. Refusing to let him spend time with his child because you don’t like “that woman” solely because she is with him instead of you, is unacceptable. Insisting that, in order for him to be with his child you must all be a family (READ: The child and I are a package deal), robs the child of having part if his family.

2.     Money isn’t everything-Yes, I firmly believe in child support. As we all know, children cost a lot of money. Yet, if he states he does not have it, keeping your child from an emotional relationship with him does not help anyone. For those who have grown up without a lot of money, they will often refer to the love within the family as being something that sustains them. Let your child have access to the emotional if not financial support. You might also make unofficial arrangements including the father being responsible for all of the child’s needs when they are together (e,.g. food, his clothing, activities, etc.) Sometimes, we do not realize how much a child costs until we have to pay it.

3.     Adult business should remain such---Growing up, I was told that “kids did not need to be in grown folks’ business”. Somewhere along the lines, we have forgotten that and made our children aware of our “business”. How many of you have informed your children that they could not get something because their dad did not send the check? How many of you have referred to your child’s father as “deadbeat”?  Remember, half of your child’s DNA comes from the man that you are denigrating, which poses the question in a child’s mind of “what does Mom think about me?”

Now, for men who are, for whatever reason, choosing not to be with the mother of their child(ren), some rules for you to keep from falling in to the Sperm Donor role.

1.     Love does cost a thing-Your child needs your financial support. Yes, you might think that “she isn’t spending the money on my kid anyway, so why bother?” If that is the case, instead of handing over cash, make arrangements to  be responsible for certain financial obligations. For example, offer (to the mother or in court) to pay for daycare, school uniforms, school lunches, etc so that you know your money is taking care of your child. Sometimes, the excuse is valid; at other times, it appears to be used as a way to get out of meeting a financial obligation

2.     Only one relationship has ended-Regardless of whether the pregnancy was planned or unplanned, the child is here. Ending the relationship with his mother does not make your fatherhood role null and void.

3. Don’t play the Blame Game-No one wants to hear how you were trapped. There is only one surefire way to keep from having a child with someone, and that is to not have sex with them. Second runner-up is you making the decision to use a condom. If you are putting birth control solely in the hands of your partner, you are demonstrating a level of trust and I would hope, commitment due to exposure to more than just pregnancy. So, instead of trying to justify your lack of involvement by whining about being “set up”, actually begin to take control of the situation by actively parenting your child.

If parenting were left to only those who are mature adults, there would likely be less children in this world. However, starting out with a lack of emotional maturity does not mean it needs to stay that way. Let’s move beyond “baby’s mamas”, “baby daddies” and “the sperm donor” to becoming mothers and fathers to our children. Remember, they did not ask to be here. Yet, our goal should be to make their lives as stable and nurturing as possible. The first step is to get rid of the “Sperm Donor” mentality and move towards co-parenting.

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/motivational speaker/author. She lectures and trains on issues of mental health disparity in minority communities, children’s and women’s issues, and sexual abuse intervention and prevention. Dr. Dent is also the President of Monford Dent Consulting & Psychological Services, LLC and the author of the book Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing available on Amazon.com, at local book retailers,  and her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com. Follow her on twitter: drtyffanimdent

Regrets: A Poem

I don’t have time for regrets

To be upset

About what

Coulda

Woulda

Shoulda

Been

If you’d have let me in

Beside you

Instead of just underneath you

Taking it to a different place

Versus the realm of disgrace

Or misplaced hate

I don’t have time for regrets

to set

myself up for

second guessing

cause doing so

makes me miss the blessings

waiting in front of my face

to be embraced

cause the past can’t be changed

or rearranged

not currency that can be exchanged

it is what it is

and if we look closely

what it should be

cause everything happens for a reason

and instead of my lifetime

you were just a season

a mixture of the newness of spring

with a tinge of

the warmth of summer

that eventually would have dragged me asunder

if I didn’t let it be

cause in actuality

our eulogy

has already been spoken

the bond long broken

us just a token

to pull out from time to time

as a souvenir of a brief moment in

the stratosphere

before we came back to earth

to face reality

and our individual dreams

I don’t have time for misgivings

Because I don’t regret a thing

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/motivational speaker/author. She lectures and trains on issues of mental health disparity in minority communities, children’s and women’s issues, and sexual abuse intervention and prevention. Dr. Dent is also the Executive Director of Monford Dent Consulting & Psychological Services, LLC and the author of the book Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing available on Amazon.com and her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com. Follow her on twitter: drtyffanimdent

Raising a Chocolate Child in a Vanilla World

Raising a Chocolate Child in a Vanilla World

I was sitting with my 5 year-old the other day when she turned to me and said “mommy, I wish I was blonde.” Instantly, I thought of how female musicians have been dying their hair and I rolled my eyes as I responded “baby, your brown hair is beautiful.” She sighed and looked up at me with brown eyes that are so like my own and said, “no, mommy, I wish I was blonde.” It was then that I realized that my beautiful baby who is the color of a milk chocolate bar was talking about her skin. The psychologist in me began thinking about  Kenneth and Mamie Clark’s doll study of 1939. In their study, the Clarks found that black children often preferred to play with white dolls over black; that, asked to fill in a human figure with the color of their own skin, they frequently chose a lighter shade than was accurate; and that the children gave the color "white" attributes such as good and pretty, but "black" was qualified as bad and ugly. In addition, I remembered that the study was redone in 2006 with similar results. I wondered, as an African-American psychologist who has worked diligently to insure that my daughter was praised for her chocolate skin from birth, what I had done wrong. What had made my beautiful brown baby not appreciate her skin color? Scouring research on racial acceptance and identity, I had bought her only African-American dolls and encouraged others to do the same. We read books about little brown girls who looked like her and I praised them for being pretty and smart. When Princess & The Frog came out, her father and I made sure that her room was an explosion of Disney’s first Black princess. In selecting a school, we balanced a good education with making sure her school had others who looked like her. Even where we chose to make our home was a carefully calculated move to offset any chance that she would be viewed as “the other” or “different [with a negative connotation]”. Yet, here we were, the African-American psychologist and her own little black child wishing to change her skin color.  As the psychologist, I analyzed the situation to figure out where I went wrong. Then, I realized, it was not me, it was society. When my daughter looks on television, she rarely sees herself on the Disney channel or Nickelodeon. Yes, there are female role models that I can point out like Oprah Winfrey, Michelle Obama, Serena Williams, Toni Morrison, etc. However, in the mind of a 5 year-old, those do not matter as much as Selena Gomez, Hannah Montana, or Barbie. So, as the psychologist, I continue to try and figure out how society can improve the self-image of African-American girls. As her mother, I simply pulled her close, kissed the top of her naturally kinky hair, and looked in to those chocolate brown eyes and reminded her how beautiful she is daddy, grandparents,…..and to me. Perhaps the world will one day follow suit.

Some Tips

1. Point out other "chocolate" girls when you see them on television, in movies, in the community and make sure to talk about how beautiful they are

2. Comment on your chocolate child's attributes. For example, when combing her hair talk about how pretty and thick it is. How the texture allows her to wear nice bows, ponytails, braids, etc.

3. Go overboard----there are not many images that look like her. Buy the books, t-shirts, magazines, music, etc. of the latest African-American "it" girl or cartoon character. Caution: they should also embody your values/beliefs and be an age-appropriate role model for your child

4. Although not all of her friends need to be "chocolate children", a conscious effort should be made to have some "chocolate frame-of-reference" for her. Expose her to some chocolate children her age so she does not always feel like "the other", which can also contribute to feelings of alienation and a desire to be "the same" as everyone else

5.Don't dismiss her concerns as petty. Acknowledge them, listen to the reasons for the belief and work to provide information (gently, and age appropriately) that combat such a negative view of self.

6. Breathe as this is also a normal part of their development as they are at the age when they are noticing differences and are out of the cocoon of your home. They are being exposed to society and society’s overall representation of what is and is not good.  Again, don’t ignore it, but also don’t give up on the belief that your child will begin to love herself

7. Engage her in things to build her self-esteem. Encourage her healthy interests that can also provide her with a coat of armor against negative stereotypes that are all around her. If she is an athlete, find your local sports team. A singer? Get out the hairbrush and have a concert at the house or have her join the choir at your house of worship.

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/motivational speaker/author. She lectures and trains on issues of mental health disparity in minority communities, children’s and women’s issues, and sexual abuse intervention and prevention. Dr. Dent is also the Executive Director of Monford Dent Consulting & Psychological Services, LLC and the author of the book Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing available on Amazon.com and her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com. Follow her on twitter: drtyffanimdent

What Keeps Us "Stuck"

(From a speech given by Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent at Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. Fort Wayne Alumnae's Women's Empowerment reception)
Today, I ask that we all reflect on what usually discourages us from being empowered, from realizing our full potential and being the women we were all meant to be.
There are many situations/circumstances that happen in our lives that may keep us stuck or begin to doubt that we are able to be the powerful women God created us to be. In those moments of being stuck, we often lose the confidence in our ability to succeed. Instead of taking that moment of being stuck and using it as a life lesson on how to (1) get unstuck (2) decrease the likelihood of being stuck in the future, we instead allow it to become an excuse
How many of you have heard others say "you think you are better?" Over time, I have heard that phrase too many times to count. Initially, I allowed it to keep me stuck in that I did not want to be viewed as different or that dreaded word of being "better". Yet, in using it as a life lesson, I now proudly realize and even sometimes say "I am not necessarily better, but am making better decisions and being the woman I was destined to be."
We sometimes also allow the people around us to keep us stuck. As a woman, I truly value my sister-friends, but also had to recognize the need to get rid of the Reminder Crew---we all know the Reminder Crew---those who like to remind us of our mistakes, tell us we weren't always so holy, or are the ones who make you feel that you shoulda woulda coulda.....you fill in the blank. Yet, we continue on with the Reminder Crew and allow ourselves to be paralyzed with the fear of making other mistakes.
When I was writing my book Girls Got Issues, I noticed that these were the issues that keep us Stuck, that decrease our feelings of power and that we must move beyond them to fully come in to our own.
So, how do we do this?
Briefly,
1. Don't use excuses---many of you know the poem excuses, right? Excuses are tools of the incompetent used to build monuments of nothingness?
We must stop permitting ourselves to tell ourselves that we can't do something because of what we have gone through or what we don't have. Instead, we must begin to focus on how we can make it happen
2. We have got to be ok with not being stuck. It is amazing that we insist on the baddest shoes, will only get our hair done by the beautician who keeps us looking great, etc---but don't believe that our lives deserve to be just as wonderful. We must stop being comfortable being Stuck In The Ordinary, and must instead deal with and overcome the fear, concern, to live the extraordinary lives we deserve
3.  Get rid of that Reminder Crew and replace them with sisters who are encouraging you and enrich your lives. We are truly our sisters' keepers and we must keep each other healthy in mind, body, and spirit
4.and lastly acknowledge and be ok with stating that you are powerful, awesome, a force with which to be reckoned, etc......because you know what? we are worth it

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist and motivational speaker. Her book Girls Got Issues: A Woman's Guide to Self-discovery and Healing is available on amazon.com and on her website http://www.monforddentconsulting.com/

Accountability and Forgiveness: A Response to Pastors Long and Dollar Regarding Sexual Abuse in the African-American Community

Recently, there has been a re-emergence of the Bishop Eddie Long story. For those who are not familiar, Bishop Eddie Long, a well-known African-American minister, was accused of inappropriate sexual contact with young adult male members of his congregation. At the time the allegations surfaced, Bishop Long reported that he could not address the issue fully at the advice of his attorneys, but did declare that the allegations were of a persecutory nature. Since that time, Bishop Long has made a financial settlement with his accusers with the terms not being disclosed. The story has returned to the front page, not only because of the settlement, but due to the admonishment of Bishop Long’s detractors by another famous African-American minister, Creflo Dollar. In a sermon at his own church, Pastor Dollar declared that Bishop Long would be going to heaven and that those who left Bishop Long’s church should be ashamed of themselves.

Being a provider of treatment for people who engage in sexually inappropriate behavior as well as treating those who have been sexually abused, the actions of both Bishop Long and Pastor Dollar are disturbing to me.  In both of their responses to the allegations, I see the major issues that contribute to the issue of sexual abuse within the African-American community not being addressed and the African-American Church’s failure to be at the forefront of this issue. In his denial of the allegations, Bishop Long focused on being persecuted. In our African-American community, we have grown weary of “systems” and distrustful of them, often citing how the government has not looked after our best interests a’la the Tuskegee Experiment. Therefore, when the banner of persecution is raised or the flag of “the system” is mentioned, we automatically close ranks and are unwilling to delve any further for the truth. It is even more difficult when our leaders are “targeted” and we cluck our tongues and declare “It’s nothing but the devil” to dismiss any hint of impropriety. The other issue is that of offering forgiveness when it is (1) not sought and (2) having it be synonymous with not permitting consequences. In our Christian faith, we are often taught Romans 3:23 “We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God”.  It is in this statement that we are urged to forgive those who do wrong. Yet, forgiveness  occurs when wrong-doing is acknowledged, which has not been the case with Bishop Long as he has not publicly stated wrongdoing. In addition, forgiveness does not mean that a consequence is not appropriate. In the story of David and Bathsheba (II Samuel 11-12), David clearly begged for forgiveness from God, but was still given the consequence of losing the child that was a result of his wrongful act with Bathsheba. Afterwards, he still found favor with God.  Yet, David did what we are not often willing to do in our African-American Church or our African-American community----insist upon accountability and not be shamed when we require a consequence to occur. In his admonishment of those who had left Bishop Long’s church along with his assertion that they were not “welcomed” in his church, Pastor Dollar sent the message to the 1 in 3 females who are sexually abused and 1 in 6 males who are sexually abused that (1) they should keep silent as their needs are not as important as those of their abuser (2) forgiveness is bestowed upon the abuser while they are punished for sexual acts that they did not want.  Even in the silence of other prominent African-American ministers who have not come to the defense of Bishop Long, one wonders if their silence is a sign of discomfort at addressing the issue of sexual abuse within our community, or a lack of awareness of how their silence may be viewed by those who need them to speak for all sexual assault victims.

The African-American Church has been identified as a place that our community goes to for support and understanding. It is often the “first-line of defense” when seeking help in all issues, including sexual abuse. It is imperative that the African-American Church embrace its role and examines the messages we are sending about its willingness to address sexual abuse within our community and truly be a place where accountability and dialogue occur. How do we begin to do this? (1) Re-post this article to your own social networking pages and encourage others to respond (2) Encourage your ministers/religious leaders to provide workshops on sexual abuse prevention and intervention (3) Talk to a friend or your individual church ministries about sexual abuse. Let the healing begin.

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/motivational speaker/author. She lectures and trains on issues of mental health disparity in minority communities, children’s and women’s issues, and sexual abuse intervention and prevention. Dr. Dent is also the Executive Director of Monford Dent Consulting & Psychological Services, LLC and the author of the book Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing available on Amazon.com and her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com. Follow her on twitter: drtyffanimdent

My Apologies

1.       I apologize that you have to spend so much time insisting you do not think you are “better” than others when it is others who have this view of you

2.       I apologize that you have to downplay the fact that you are college educated so that others do not feel bad

3.       I apologize that you feel the need to praise people who had their children as single parents (by choice) when they tell you that you do not understand how hard it is because you had your children after you were married

4.       I apologize that you cannot demonstrate pride in your accomplishments because others will view it as bragging or “showing off”

5.       I apologize that you have to be called “strict” because you instill in your children morals and values and expect them to hold to them, regardless of what others do with their own offspring

6.       I apologize that you focused on long-term goals instead of that bad purse/car/vacation and have to justify to others why you don’t have them

7.       I apologize that you are having to explain why you work two jobs to make ends meet and expect others to also engage in self-sufficiency---to which you are blasted for being “not understanding of the plight of the poor”---even though you remain one additional part-time job away from being there yourself

8.       I apologize that you cannot show your love of Jesus/Allah/Buddha, etc. without being called a fanatic or zealot, or even worse---a potential terrorist

9.       I apologize that others do not understand your mantra of “anything worth having is worth working for”

10.   I apologize that you are called a “prude” or “cold” because you insist upon commitment prior to sexual activity

11.   I apologize because you give your kids a curfew, monitor their internet access, and want to meet all of their friends before they can go out----and others tell you that you are too cautious

12.   I apologize because you are a strong woman who cares about herself and recognizes her worth---and are therefore viewed as “stuck-up” or a female dog

13.   I apologize because you are a man who wants a relationship with one woman and are viewed as a sucker

14.   Finally, I apologize because society expects you to apologize for all of the above

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/consultant/motivational speaker. She is also the author of Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing. Girls Got Issues is available on her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com and www.amazon.com. Follow Dr. Dent on twitter: drtyffanimdent