The Hymn of a Tiger-Mom, Mama Grizzly Feminist in a Battleground State

I am a Tiger-Mom, Mama Grizzly Feminist residing in the Battleground state of Ohio. I am the coveted “woman” vote that both President Obama and Governor Romney, along with the political pundits, say is the voting bloc that will determine this election. Yet, as both candidates work diligently to obtain my vote and those of other women like me, I believe the reason why we stump them is because we are so heterogeneous and many of us do not fit in to any neat package that can be addressed in a 60-second campaign ad.  For example, this is who I am:

1.       I am woman---and I believe that I am highly-qualified in my chosen profession and would likely have been one of the ones in Governor Romney’s now infamous binder (of resumes) if I happened to live in Massachusetts at that time.  Yet, my field is social services, and  I focus on under-served populations in the area of mental health. Although I believe faith-based communities do great work in helping the under-served, my experience has shown that the area of mental health is often one neglected by such a community---so I worry what would happen to my clients if their mental health services were not subsidized or even, depending upon the current governor of my state, was not valued and the push became faith-based provision of social services

2.       I am the sister of three Baptist Ministers, the daughter of a member of the Mothers’ Board, and the granddaughter of a deacon. However, I define myself as more spiritual. The political leanings of a politician do not matter to me as I do not expect his or her faith to determine public policy

3.       I am a Black American  woman, note that “Black” still shows up first for me. I am proud of my racial heritage and do believe that racism still exists. However, I do not believe that every problem within my community can be blamed on race and shudder when the “race card” is thrown around so freely as an explanation every situation

4.       I am educated.  I hold a doctorate degree in my profession and my husband is college-educated as well. Many would consider us elite and even if not, no one would consider us Blue Collar.

5.       Again, I am married and value my marriage, which is why I also support the rights of same-sex consenting adults to hold the privileges that my husband and I automatically received on the day we said “I do” (health coverage under my husband’s plan, survivor benefits, social security,  final say if anything happens, marriage tax rate, etc)

6.       I am a mother. In that, I want a world that will be there for my daughters that will not saddle them with the debt that they did not cause.  I want them to be able to afford college but also have jobs available to them when they finish. If they pay in to a retirement system, I want them to reap the benefits of doing so when they do retire.

7.       I chose to have two beautiful children with my loving husband. Yet, the key word is “chose”. I did not have an abortion, but do not think it is my decision to vote on whether or not other women should have that right. I do not plan to adopt or foster children----which means I am not “putting my neck out there” to take in the children that people argue are being aborted. My take on abortion has always been---if you do not believe in abortion, do not have one and if you do not plan to adopt any unwanted children that come from anti-abortion policies (and that includes minority babies), then be quiet

8.       I work hard---often 50-60 hours per week, and strongly believe that women deserve equal pay for the same work men do

9.       I own my own company---small as it is---with an employee of one----but I hope to grow and want to know that provisions will be made in my government to make that possible

10.   I enjoy being able to buy things. To do that, I need to know that my husband and I will continue to have opportunities within the United States. We need a strong economy and to make it not as profitable for our American companies to ship jobs overseas. At the same time, I do not believe in  “Top Down” economics. It worked in the Reagan era because the world was not competing with us with their own skilled workers.  I do not blame companies for wanting profits, that is what they are in business for----at the same time, our government must address taxation and other issues that make it “better” for companies to ship their jobs overseas

11.   Lastly, I vote. I vote in every election, not just presidential ones. I take my State-issued Drivers’ License and make a point to go to my polling station to vote for everything from school levies, trash collection amendments, judges,  governor, and yes, presidents. One thing I want candidates to know, is that I am also raising my two daughters to become Tiger-Moms, Mama Grizzlies  (if they choose to be mothers), Feminists in the state of Ohio. So, whatever you continue to promise and do not deliver, will resonant with and for them as well. See you all November 6^th.

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/motivational speaker/author. She lectures and trains on issues of mental health disparity in minority communities, children’s and women’s issues, and sexual abuse intervention and prevention. Dr. Dent is also the Executive Director of Monford Dent Consulting & Psychological Services, LLC and the author of the book Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing available on Amazon.com and her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com. Follow her on twitter: drtyffanimdent

Excerpt from: God, Where is My Piece (Peace)?

Everyone wants their own American Dream---their piece of the American pie. Yet, in pursuit of our “piece”, we will often make bad decisions or put our values/selves in second place.  In focusing on our “piece”, we will often overlook the fact that we deserve more than a “piece”---we owe ourselves to pursue the “whole”.  We also make what I like to call “Other Piece Mistakes”. We will-----

    1. Focusing on the quick piece-by this I mean, we look for short-term gratification instead of long-term satisfaction. How many of us have not pursued higher education because we wanted to make money now? How about starting an intimate relationship with Mr. Right Now because it appears as if Mr. Right is taking too long to meet your timetable? In focusing on the quick piece, we often lose out on the benefits of what could bring us the needed whole.

    2. Putting other’s piece before the quest for our own Peace-In talking with my sister-friends, it has often come up about the sacrifices they have made for their children, spouses, parents, friends, etc. It has not been uncommon to hear about giving up the desired promotion because it would not permit enough time at home with the children. How about the refusing or accepting a relocation that would provide the spouse with opportunities, but would leave her scrambling to find something? Even in putting lives on hold because their parents needed them? In doing so, we run the risk of being bitter, resentful, etc for the “piece” we gave up, thus negatively impacting our own peace of mind.

    3. Letting the pursuit of piece impact our peace-We must prioritize. In this situation, we maintain tunnel vision. Our piece of the American Dream becomes our obsession. Instead of attempting to balance our desire for work and family, we choose one and become very good at it. However, in doing so, we feel somewhat empty or lost because we are not fulfilling all aspects of ourselves. Most of us can name a friend who has the greatest career, but looks around and, to paraphrase a line in the movie Mahogany, “doesn’t have anyone to share it with”,  or sits at reunions of college classmates or former co-workers and wonders why she is no longer happy only talking about the great kids she is rearing…….

Excerpt from the Workshop by Dr. Tyffani M. Dent entitled “God, where is my piece (peace)?” 

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/consultant/motivational speaker. She is also the author of Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing. Girls Got Issues is available on her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com and www.amazon.com. Follow Dr. Dent on twitter: drtyffanimdent. Dr. Dent is available to speak at women’s conferences/workshops.

And he shall be made king?: Remembering the victims

Recently, I was forwarded a video of Bishop Eddie Long being crowned king by members of his congregation. For those who do not know, Bishop Long is a prominent Christian pastor who was accused of sexually abusing young men in his congregation. At the time of the allegations, Bishop Long blasted the media for supporting what he deemed false allegations. However, Bishop Long’s church and its insurance company later settled with the accusers for an undisclosed sum. One would believe that the luster of Bishop Long would have dissipated after such a scandal. Yet, instead he is being declared a king by members of his congregation. Since I am not a Biblical scholar, I will not attempt to address the issue of the Biblical soundness or heresy of declaring any minister a king. Being an advocate for sexual abuse survivors, the question I pose to members of his congregation and those within the entire community is: what about the victims?

Statistics suggest that 1 out of 6 males and at least 1 of every 4 females is sexually abused in their lifetime.  I wonder if the congregants who lifted Bishop Long on his throne consulted with his accusers and got their input on the “coronation”? Some may argue that “God forgives”, “no one can judge but God”, “we’ve all fallen short”, or “Bishop Long will have to address his behavior on Judgment Day.” Such statements serve only to keep sexual abuse hidden in our communities and to silence the voices of victims. Do I believe in forgiveness? Most definitely. In my work with families who have dealt with incest, I have seen forgiveness firsthand. Yet, we seem to be too quick to offer forgiveness. Forgiveness should be offered when someone is asking for forgiveness. By doing so, the person is admitting to making a mistake.  Instead, we skip over the prerequisites of Responsibility and Accountability. By responsibility, one must acknowledge their wrongdoing. This step announces to the world that what the victim has stated was true. Victims of abuse often fear coming forward because they might not be believed, especially when the abuser is someone prominent (e.g. ministers, teachers, coaches, etc.)  or deemed trustworthy (e.g. parents, uncles, siblings, etc.). To not give the victim the satisfaction of the truth being stated by their abuser is a travesty. Next, we must become accepting of consequences for actions. In offering up righteous forgiveness, we shy away from being okay with consequences still occurring. However, when one looks in the Bible, he will see that God even gave consequences to those whom He loved. After Moses’ behavior, he repented, but God informed him that he would still not be permitted to enter the Promised Land. When David had a soldier killed and impregnated the soldier’s wife (still unclear if that was a consensual relationship, but I digress), he ripped his clothes and begged God for forgiveness. God forgave him, but David still suffered the consequence of the baby born from that situation dying. This is not to say that consequences have to be as extreme as those mentioned above. Accountability must happen. It also serves a purpose for the victim. It lets it be known that the abuse inflicted upon him or her is severe and is not just being swept under the rug. When members of Bishop Long’s congregation chose to leave after the sexual abuse allegations (which they had every right to do), they were chastised for their decisions. Some argued that they were not demonstrating Christian forgiveness. My question would be, were they not simply holding Bishop Long accountable for his actions while at the same time making it clear to the victims that they did not condone the abuse? As a psychologist who has made it my mission to work with churches on developing effective responses to dealing with sexual abuse, I understand the importance of the Church in the lives of many. The church is often the first place that we go to seek solace from experiences including sexual abuse. In this, our community (and especially the faith community)  we must begin to practice ALL of the principles of forgiveness including Responsibility & Accountability if we want to ever play a significant role in ending sexual abuse.

As for Bishop Long and his coronation? It does ring of royalty. It is truly a royal mess.

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/consultant/motivational speaker. She is also the author of Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing. Girls Got Issues is available on her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com and www.amazon.com. Follow Dr. Dent on twitter: drtyffanimdent