Raising a Chocolate Child in a Vanilla World
I was sitting with my 5 year-old the other day when she turned to me and said “mommy, I wish I was blonde.” Instantly, I thought of how female musicians have been dying their hair and I rolled my eyes as I responded “baby, your brown hair is beautiful.” She sighed and looked up at me with brown eyes that are so like my own and said, “no, mommy, I wish I was blonde.” It was then that I realized that my beautiful baby who is the color of a milk chocolate bar was talking about her skin. The psychologist in me began thinking about Kenneth and Mamie Clark’s doll study of 1939. In their study, the Clarks found that black children often preferred to play with white dolls over black; that, asked to fill in a human figure with the color of their own skin, they frequently chose a lighter shade than was accurate; and that the children gave the color "white" attributes such as good and pretty, but "black" was qualified as bad and ugly. In addition, I remembered that the study was redone in 2006 with similar results. I wondered, as an African-American psychologist who has worked diligently to insure that my daughter was praised for her chocolate skin from birth, what I had done wrong. What had made my beautiful brown baby not appreciate her skin color? Scouring research on racial acceptance and identity, I had bought her only African-American dolls and encouraged others to do the same. We read books about little brown girls who looked like her and I praised them for being pretty and smart. When Princess & The Frog came out, her father and I made sure that her room was an explosion of Disney’s first Black princess. In selecting a school, we balanced a good education with making sure her school had others who looked like her. Even where we chose to make our home was a carefully calculated move to offset any chance that she would be viewed as “the other” or “different [with a negative connotation]”. Yet, here we were, the African-American psychologist and her own little black child wishing to change her skin color. As the psychologist, I analyzed the situation to figure out where I went wrong. Then, I realized, it was not me, it was society. When my daughter looks on television, she rarely sees herself on the Disney channel or Nickelodeon. Yes, there are female role models that I can point out like Oprah Winfrey, Michelle Obama, Serena Williams, Toni Morrison, etc. However, in the mind of a 5 year-old, those do not matter as much as Selena Gomez, Hannah Montana, or Barbie. So, as the psychologist, I continue to try and figure out how society can improve the self-image of African-American girls. As her mother, I simply pulled her close, kissed the top of her naturally kinky hair, and looked in to those chocolate brown eyes and reminded her how beautiful she is daddy, grandparents,…..and to me. Perhaps the world will one day follow suit.
Some Tips
1. Point out other "chocolate" girls when you see them on television, in movies, in the community and make sure to talk about how beautiful they are
2. Comment on your chocolate child's attributes. For example, when combing her hair talk about how pretty and thick it is. How the texture allows her to wear nice bows, ponytails, braids, etc.
3. Go overboard----there are not many images that look like her. Buy the books, t-shirts, magazines, music, etc. of the latest African-American "it" girl or cartoon character. Caution: they should also embody your values/beliefs and be an age-appropriate role model for your child
4. Although not all of her friends need to be "chocolate children", a conscious effort should be made to have some "chocolate frame-of-reference" for her. Expose her to some chocolate children her age so she does not always feel like "the other", which can also contribute to feelings of alienation and a desire to be "the same" as everyone else
5.Don't dismiss her concerns as petty. Acknowledge them, listen to the reasons for the belief and work to provide information (gently, and age appropriately) that combat such a negative view of self.
6. Breathe as this is also a normal part of their development as they are at the age when they are noticing differences and are out of the cocoon of your home. They are being exposed to society and society’s overall representation of what is and is not good. Again, don’t ignore it, but also don’t give up on the belief that your child will begin to love herself
7. Engage her in things to build her self-esteem. Encourage her healthy interests that can also provide her with a coat of armor against negative stereotypes that are all around her. If she is an athlete, find your local sports team. A singer? Get out the hairbrush and have a concert at the house or have her join the choir at your house of worship.
Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/motivational speaker/author. She lectures and trains on issues of mental health disparity in minority communities, children’s and women’s issues, and sexual abuse intervention and prevention. Dr. Dent is also the Executive Director of Monford Dent Consulting & Psychological Services, LLC and the author of the book
Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing available on Amazon.com and her website
www.MonfordDentConsulting.com. Follow her on twitter: drtyffanimdent
