What Keeps Us "Stuck"

(From a speech given by Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent at Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. Fort Wayne Alumnae's Women's Empowerment reception)
Today, I ask that we all reflect on what usually discourages us from being empowered, from realizing our full potential and being the women we were all meant to be.
There are many situations/circumstances that happen in our lives that may keep us stuck or begin to doubt that we are able to be the powerful women God created us to be. In those moments of being stuck, we often lose the confidence in our ability to succeed. Instead of taking that moment of being stuck and using it as a life lesson on how to (1) get unstuck (2) decrease the likelihood of being stuck in the future, we instead allow it to become an excuse
How many of you have heard others say "you think you are better?" Over time, I have heard that phrase too many times to count. Initially, I allowed it to keep me stuck in that I did not want to be viewed as different or that dreaded word of being "better". Yet, in using it as a life lesson, I now proudly realize and even sometimes say "I am not necessarily better, but am making better decisions and being the woman I was destined to be."
We sometimes also allow the people around us to keep us stuck. As a woman, I truly value my sister-friends, but also had to recognize the need to get rid of the Reminder Crew---we all know the Reminder Crew---those who like to remind us of our mistakes, tell us we weren't always so holy, or are the ones who make you feel that you shoulda woulda coulda.....you fill in the blank. Yet, we continue on with the Reminder Crew and allow ourselves to be paralyzed with the fear of making other mistakes.
When I was writing my book Girls Got Issues, I noticed that these were the issues that keep us Stuck, that decrease our feelings of power and that we must move beyond them to fully come in to our own.
So, how do we do this?
Briefly,
1. Don't use excuses---many of you know the poem excuses, right? Excuses are tools of the incompetent used to build monuments of nothingness?
We must stop permitting ourselves to tell ourselves that we can't do something because of what we have gone through or what we don't have. Instead, we must begin to focus on how we can make it happen
2. We have got to be ok with not being stuck. It is amazing that we insist on the baddest shoes, will only get our hair done by the beautician who keeps us looking great, etc---but don't believe that our lives deserve to be just as wonderful. We must stop being comfortable being Stuck In The Ordinary, and must instead deal with and overcome the fear, concern, to live the extraordinary lives we deserve
3.  Get rid of that Reminder Crew and replace them with sisters who are encouraging you and enrich your lives. We are truly our sisters' keepers and we must keep each other healthy in mind, body, and spirit
4.and lastly acknowledge and be ok with stating that you are powerful, awesome, a force with which to be reckoned, etc......because you know what? we are worth it

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist and motivational speaker. Her book Girls Got Issues: A Woman's Guide to Self-discovery and Healing is available on amazon.com and on her website http://www.monforddentconsulting.com/

Accountability and Forgiveness: A Response to Pastors Long and Dollar Regarding Sexual Abuse in the African-American Community

Recently, there has been a re-emergence of the Bishop Eddie Long story. For those who are not familiar, Bishop Eddie Long, a well-known African-American minister, was accused of inappropriate sexual contact with young adult male members of his congregation. At the time the allegations surfaced, Bishop Long reported that he could not address the issue fully at the advice of his attorneys, but did declare that the allegations were of a persecutory nature. Since that time, Bishop Long has made a financial settlement with his accusers with the terms not being disclosed. The story has returned to the front page, not only because of the settlement, but due to the admonishment of Bishop Long’s detractors by another famous African-American minister, Creflo Dollar. In a sermon at his own church, Pastor Dollar declared that Bishop Long would be going to heaven and that those who left Bishop Long’s church should be ashamed of themselves.

Being a provider of treatment for people who engage in sexually inappropriate behavior as well as treating those who have been sexually abused, the actions of both Bishop Long and Pastor Dollar are disturbing to me.  In both of their responses to the allegations, I see the major issues that contribute to the issue of sexual abuse within the African-American community not being addressed and the African-American Church’s failure to be at the forefront of this issue. In his denial of the allegations, Bishop Long focused on being persecuted. In our African-American community, we have grown weary of “systems” and distrustful of them, often citing how the government has not looked after our best interests a’la the Tuskegee Experiment. Therefore, when the banner of persecution is raised or the flag of “the system” is mentioned, we automatically close ranks and are unwilling to delve any further for the truth. It is even more difficult when our leaders are “targeted” and we cluck our tongues and declare “It’s nothing but the devil” to dismiss any hint of impropriety. The other issue is that of offering forgiveness when it is (1) not sought and (2) having it be synonymous with not permitting consequences. In our Christian faith, we are often taught Romans 3:23 “We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God”.  It is in this statement that we are urged to forgive those who do wrong. Yet, forgiveness  occurs when wrong-doing is acknowledged, which has not been the case with Bishop Long as he has not publicly stated wrongdoing. In addition, forgiveness does not mean that a consequence is not appropriate. In the story of David and Bathsheba (II Samuel 11-12), David clearly begged for forgiveness from God, but was still given the consequence of losing the child that was a result of his wrongful act with Bathsheba. Afterwards, he still found favor with God.  Yet, David did what we are not often willing to do in our African-American Church or our African-American community----insist upon accountability and not be shamed when we require a consequence to occur. In his admonishment of those who had left Bishop Long’s church along with his assertion that they were not “welcomed” in his church, Pastor Dollar sent the message to the 1 in 3 females who are sexually abused and 1 in 6 males who are sexually abused that (1) they should keep silent as their needs are not as important as those of their abuser (2) forgiveness is bestowed upon the abuser while they are punished for sexual acts that they did not want.  Even in the silence of other prominent African-American ministers who have not come to the defense of Bishop Long, one wonders if their silence is a sign of discomfort at addressing the issue of sexual abuse within our community, or a lack of awareness of how their silence may be viewed by those who need them to speak for all sexual assault victims.

The African-American Church has been identified as a place that our community goes to for support and understanding. It is often the “first-line of defense” when seeking help in all issues, including sexual abuse. It is imperative that the African-American Church embrace its role and examines the messages we are sending about its willingness to address sexual abuse within our community and truly be a place where accountability and dialogue occur. How do we begin to do this? (1) Re-post this article to your own social networking pages and encourage others to respond (2) Encourage your ministers/religious leaders to provide workshops on sexual abuse prevention and intervention (3) Talk to a friend or your individual church ministries about sexual abuse. Let the healing begin.

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/motivational speaker/author. She lectures and trains on issues of mental health disparity in minority communities, children’s and women’s issues, and sexual abuse intervention and prevention. Dr. Dent is also the Executive Director of Monford Dent Consulting & Psychological Services, LLC and the author of the book Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing available on Amazon.com and her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com. Follow her on twitter: drtyffanimdent

My Apologies

1.       I apologize that you have to spend so much time insisting you do not think you are “better” than others when it is others who have this view of you

2.       I apologize that you have to downplay the fact that you are college educated so that others do not feel bad

3.       I apologize that you feel the need to praise people who had their children as single parents (by choice) when they tell you that you do not understand how hard it is because you had your children after you were married

4.       I apologize that you cannot demonstrate pride in your accomplishments because others will view it as bragging or “showing off”

5.       I apologize that you have to be called “strict” because you instill in your children morals and values and expect them to hold to them, regardless of what others do with their own offspring

6.       I apologize that you focused on long-term goals instead of that bad purse/car/vacation and have to justify to others why you don’t have them

7.       I apologize that you are having to explain why you work two jobs to make ends meet and expect others to also engage in self-sufficiency---to which you are blasted for being “not understanding of the plight of the poor”---even though you remain one additional part-time job away from being there yourself

8.       I apologize that you cannot show your love of Jesus/Allah/Buddha, etc. without being called a fanatic or zealot, or even worse---a potential terrorist

9.       I apologize that others do not understand your mantra of “anything worth having is worth working for”

10.   I apologize that you are called a “prude” or “cold” because you insist upon commitment prior to sexual activity

11.   I apologize because you give your kids a curfew, monitor their internet access, and want to meet all of their friends before they can go out----and others tell you that you are too cautious

12.   I apologize because you are a strong woman who cares about herself and recognizes her worth---and are therefore viewed as “stuck-up” or a female dog

13.   I apologize because you are a man who wants a relationship with one woman and are viewed as a sucker

14.   Finally, I apologize because society expects you to apologize for all of the above

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/consultant/motivational speaker. She is also the author of Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing. Girls Got Issues is available on her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com and www.amazon.com. Follow Dr. Dent on twitter: drtyffanimdent