Mothers: Surprise, you are NOT the father

The Maury Povich Show was my guilty pleasure. In the past, I would have never admitted to anyone that I would scroll through the on-line TV guide to determine when the next “Is he the father?” episode would come on. Watching as some of the women would insist that  a man was the father, or as fathers insisted they could not be because “she was sleeping with everyone” would make me cringe, but also lean in closer when Maury ripped open the envelop.  Today, I am going to take on the Maury Povich role and declare to all of the women out there: You are not the father.

At this time in society when more of our children are being reared in single-parent homes for a variety of reasons, it is disheartening to see women declaring on Fathers’ Day “to all the single moms who are both mothers and fathers to their children.” True, single mothers carry an extra heavy burden that I do not envy. They are often the sole emotional and financial providers for their children. To this I say, you are being exceptional mothers; yet, you cannot be a father. The role of a father or father-figure is to provide an example of what true manhood should be.  It is to permit young girls to see how men are supposed to treat women and what real men do. For young boys, it is, as Jill Scot says “to teach him how to be a man.” Women, no matter how much we try or how great we may be, we cannot take the place of a male figure in the lives of our children. We go around and state “I don’t need a man”, and maybe we do not, but children do. If you are not willing to provide him or her one, they will go out searching, and the outcome is not likely to be a positive one. For our young girls, they will often seek male figures who pay them any attention, and because they do not have a good frame-of-reference for how men treat women, they are likely to accept whatever comes our way. For our young boys, if we do not hand them a male to emulate, they will search one out, often finding them in gang associations or grasping on to glorified images of machismo that are unrealistic and unhealthy.

This article is not to argue about single parenthood, same-sex relationships, etc., but instead to assert the importance of any parent insuring that their child has consistent access to role models of both sexes. It is ironic that, men who are in the position of primary parent will quickly seek out their sisters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, or girlfriends to assist them in parenting duties. Is it our quest to be “Superwoman” , the multiple generations of single women whispering in our ear that we can do it alone, the “good man shortage”, or some other reason that has us declaring that male figures in our children’s lives are not needed? It might be some other reason not even named. Regardless, we must move beyond this and face the reality of the situation: Children need male and female adults to model appropriate behavior. If the child’s biological father does not want to be or cannot be involved, seek out that brother, father, male cousin, etc of yours who can be there for them. There are also structured organizations such as Big Brothers/Big Sisters who are geared towards providing this positive frame-of-reference. Involve your child in organized activities at your Place of Worship, their school, or in the community where they have ongoing access to positive male figures.  Just as we often get creative to make sure our children’s other needs are met, we must recognize that a male figure is also a need and demonstrate creativity in finding him as well.

That being said when your true day comes, this will be the message from me:

“To all the single mothers out there who are going that extra mile to parent alone, I say, Happy Mothers’ Day”.

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/motivational speaker/author. She lectures and trains on issues of mental health disparity in minority communities, children’s and women’s issues, and sexual abuse intervention and prevention. Dr. Dent is also the President of Monford Dent Consulting & Psychological Services, LLC and the author of the book Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing available on Amazon.com and her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com. Follow her on twitter: drtyffanimdent

Moving Beyond The “Sperm Donor” Mentality

In a MSNBC news story, it was reported that approximately 40% of all births in the United States in 2007 were to unwed mothers (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29754561/ns/health-womens_health/). Thinking beyond the reasons for choosing to have children out of wedlock, I instead decided to address the issue of how such a choice needs to move beyond the “Sperm Donor” mentality. By this, I am referring to many arguments/discussions I have had with other women about the men who have fathered their children. In these discussions, I have often heard the men referred to as “the Sperm Donor” ----said with a mixture of disgust and bitterness. Why one chooses to engage in sexual contact with a man who would deserve such a title is beyond me, especially if he has a pattern of being a “sperm donor” to other women. I firmly believe in learning from the mistakes of others vs. making my own. Yet, I digress. The decision to have a child within or outside of wedlock is a deeply personal one that I leave up to the adults making that choice. However, when it comes to endorsing the Sperm Donor Mentality, I must stand up and argue for the children who suffer because of it.  True, we cannot force anyone to be a good parent. However, we must also ensure that we are not doing anything to preclude them the opportunity to make the attempt. So, in attempting to move beyond Sperm Donor, I offer suggestions (post-birth) to my sisters.

1.     Your child is not a bargaining chip-Your child should not be an instrument used to try and “keep” the man or force him to not move on to a healthy dating relationship with someone else. Refusing to let him spend time with his child because you don’t like “that woman” solely because she is with him instead of you, is unacceptable. Insisting that, in order for him to be with his child you must all be a family (READ: The child and I are a package deal), robs the child of having part if his family.

2.     Money isn’t everything-Yes, I firmly believe in child support. As we all know, children cost a lot of money. Yet, if he states he does not have it, keeping your child from an emotional relationship with him does not help anyone. For those who have grown up without a lot of money, they will often refer to the love within the family as being something that sustains them. Let your child have access to the emotional if not financial support. You might also make unofficial arrangements including the father being responsible for all of the child’s needs when they are together (e,.g. food, his clothing, activities, etc.) Sometimes, we do not realize how much a child costs until we have to pay it.

3.     Adult business should remain such---Growing up, I was told that “kids did not need to be in grown folks’ business”. Somewhere along the lines, we have forgotten that and made our children aware of our “business”. How many of you have informed your children that they could not get something because their dad did not send the check? How many of you have referred to your child’s father as “deadbeat”?  Remember, half of your child’s DNA comes from the man that you are denigrating, which poses the question in a child’s mind of “what does Mom think about me?”

Now, for men who are, for whatever reason, choosing not to be with the mother of their child(ren), some rules for you to keep from falling in to the Sperm Donor role.

1.     Love does cost a thing-Your child needs your financial support. Yes, you might think that “she isn’t spending the money on my kid anyway, so why bother?” If that is the case, instead of handing over cash, make arrangements to  be responsible for certain financial obligations. For example, offer (to the mother or in court) to pay for daycare, school uniforms, school lunches, etc so that you know your money is taking care of your child. Sometimes, the excuse is valid; at other times, it appears to be used as a way to get out of meeting a financial obligation

2.     Only one relationship has ended-Regardless of whether the pregnancy was planned or unplanned, the child is here. Ending the relationship with his mother does not make your fatherhood role null and void.

3. Don’t play the Blame Game-No one wants to hear how you were trapped. There is only one surefire way to keep from having a child with someone, and that is to not have sex with them. Second runner-up is you making the decision to use a condom. If you are putting birth control solely in the hands of your partner, you are demonstrating a level of trust and I would hope, commitment due to exposure to more than just pregnancy. So, instead of trying to justify your lack of involvement by whining about being “set up”, actually begin to take control of the situation by actively parenting your child.

If parenting were left to only those who are mature adults, there would likely be less children in this world. However, starting out with a lack of emotional maturity does not mean it needs to stay that way. Let’s move beyond “baby’s mamas”, “baby daddies” and “the sperm donor” to becoming mothers and fathers to our children. Remember, they did not ask to be here. Yet, our goal should be to make their lives as stable and nurturing as possible. The first step is to get rid of the “Sperm Donor” mentality and move towards co-parenting.

Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/motivational speaker/author. She lectures and trains on issues of mental health disparity in minority communities, children’s and women’s issues, and sexual abuse intervention and prevention. Dr. Dent is also the President of Monford Dent Consulting & Psychological Services, LLC and the author of the book Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing available on Amazon.com, at local book retailers,  and her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com. Follow her on twitter: drtyffanimdent