In a MSNBC news story, it was reported that approximately 40% of all births in the United States in 2007 were to unwed mothers (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29754561/ns/health-womens_health/). Thinking beyond the reasons for choosing to have children out of wedlock, I instead decided to address the issue of how such a choice needs to move beyond the “Sperm Donor” mentality. By this, I am referring to many arguments/discussions I have had with other women about the men who have fathered their children. In these discussions, I have often heard the men referred to as “the Sperm Donor” ----said with a mixture of disgust and bitterness. Why one chooses to engage in sexual contact with a man who would deserve such a title is beyond me, especially if he has a pattern of being a “sperm donor” to other women. I firmly believe in learning from the mistakes of others vs. making my own. Yet, I digress. The decision to have a child within or outside of wedlock is a deeply personal one that I leave up to the adults making that choice. However, when it comes to endorsing the Sperm Donor Mentality, I must stand up and argue for the children who suffer because of it. True, we cannot force anyone to be a good parent. However, we must also ensure that we are not doing anything to preclude them the opportunity to make the attempt. So, in attempting to move beyond Sperm Donor, I offer suggestions (post-birth) to my sisters.
1. Your child is not a bargaining chip-Your child should not be an instrument used to try and “keep” the man or force him to not move on to a healthy dating relationship with someone else. Refusing to let him spend time with his child because you don’t like “that woman” solely because she is with him instead of you, is unacceptable. Insisting that, in order for him to be with his child you must all be a family (READ: The child and I are a package deal), robs the child of having part if his family.
2. Money isn’t everything-Yes, I firmly believe in child support. As we all know, children cost a lot of money. Yet, if he states he does not have it, keeping your child from an emotional relationship with him does not help anyone. For those who have grown up without a lot of money, they will often refer to the love within the family as being something that sustains them. Let your child have access to the emotional if not financial support. You might also make unofficial arrangements including the father being responsible for all of the child’s needs when they are together (e,.g. food, his clothing, activities, etc.) Sometimes, we do not realize how much a child costs until we have to pay it.
3. Adult business should remain such---Growing up, I was told that “kids did not need to be in grown folks’ business”. Somewhere along the lines, we have forgotten that and made our children aware of our “business”. How many of you have informed your children that they could not get something because their dad did not send the check? How many of you have referred to your child’s father as “deadbeat”? Remember, half of your child’s DNA comes from the man that you are denigrating, which poses the question in a child’s mind of “what does Mom think about me?”
Now, for men who are, for whatever reason, choosing not to be with the mother of their child(ren), some rules for you to keep from falling in to the Sperm Donor role.
1. Love does cost a thing-Your child needs your financial support. Yes, you might think that “she isn’t spending the money on my kid anyway, so why bother?” If that is the case, instead of handing over cash, make arrangements to be responsible for certain financial obligations. For example, offer (to the mother or in court) to pay for daycare, school uniforms, school lunches, etc so that you know your money is taking care of your child. Sometimes, the excuse is valid; at other times, it appears to be used as a way to get out of meeting a financial obligation
2. Only one relationship has ended-Regardless of whether the pregnancy was planned or unplanned, the child is here. Ending the relationship with his mother does not make your fatherhood role null and void.
3. Don’t play the Blame Game-No one wants to hear how you were trapped. There is only one surefire way to keep from having a child with someone, and that is to not have sex with them. Second runner-up is you making the decision to use a condom. If you are putting birth control solely in the hands of your partner, you are demonstrating a level of trust and I would hope, commitment due to exposure to more than just pregnancy. So, instead of trying to justify your lack of involvement by whining about being “set up”, actually begin to take control of the situation by actively parenting your child.
If parenting were left to only those who are mature adults, there would likely be less children in this world. However, starting out with a lack of emotional maturity does not mean it needs to stay that way. Let’s move beyond “baby’s mamas”, “baby daddies” and “the sperm donor” to becoming mothers and fathers to our children. Remember, they did not ask to be here. Yet, our goal should be to make their lives as stable and nurturing as possible. The first step is to get rid of the “Sperm Donor” mentality and move towards co-parenting.
Dr. Tyffani Monford Dent is a licensed psychologist/motivational speaker/author. She lectures and trains on issues of mental health disparity in minority communities, children’s and women’s issues, and sexual abuse intervention and prevention. Dr. Dent is also the President of Monford Dent Consulting & Psychological Services, LLC and the author of the book Girls Got Issues: A Woman’s Guide to Self-discovery and Healing available on Amazon.com, at local book retailers, and her website www.MonfordDentConsulting.com. Follow her on twitter: drtyffanimdent
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